My expectation was that my earnings would be significantly less than normal - well that didn't materialize. In fact when I added up my pay checks they came up to be less than what was filed by about one thousand dollars.
I called one of the accountants twice, and each time netted me information but nothing I could really work on. I pointed out that the overage was probably overtime but I was pretty sure I had not worked enough doubles in that period to account for the thousands of dollars I paid back, as well as the thousand dollars extra.
The accountant succinctly told me that I should have kept better track of my overtime with a finality that said me that she certainly wasn't concerned with whether or not the time had been logged correctly. I acknowledge that my problem is not her problem and that any bitter feelings I have really stem from a feeling of helplessness in the situation.
There have been instances recently where persons have spoken quite tenaciously about making sure that they are given what is due to them and not being 'unfaired' by entities or authority. Within myself I feel the stirrings of wanting to dig down and get to the bottom of this to make sure that I am given what I deserve - in the end I would want my tax return to be such that I get back some of the money I paid in taxes in 2013 for money that I ultimately did not get to keep.
The feeling of 'fighting' for what is mine, or in the very least digging into the situation until it was fully understood by me was accompanied by a sinking feeling. I was not inspired or uplifted by the prospect of going on this hunt for information, and, if need be, the quest for justice.
I looked at it, and I wondered if I was just a coward; maybe I was 'too passive' as one of my good friends likes to say in reference to Bajans in general. I consider that I don't like to cause strife or to rock the boat; I prefer peace and quiet - and there is no peace and quiet to had when it comes to pursuing the threads of an administrative debacle.
In fact, I was not even 100% sure that there was an wrong-doing and I was already upset. This didn't bode well for how I would fare as the situation developer. Although it seemed cowardly to prefer to simply let it go, I also felt that my soul would be much better served if I did.
But why, you ask? It is not because it is 'just' money. It is because right now in this moment as I sat there, solving it wouldn't add anything to my life beyond soothing out a wrinkle. In fact the wrinkle was being caused by my own emotional reaction to the idea that 'something' was wrong.
But what if I choose to believe that the PAYE info was correct?
My peace of mind, happiness and well-being right in this moment was not hinged on a hypothetical tax return being the correct figure. My happiness right now depends on me embracing my current situation and making the absolute most of it.
In choosing to believe that the PAYE information filed is correct, I refund myself hours of worrying: back and forth on the telephone or even in person, and there is nothing more I hate than having to converse with virtual strangers on potentially upsetting topics.
Even if the end result netted me a thousand dollars(which it wouldn't), I would no doubt end up having to spend it all on self care to help to combat the stress that I put myself under trying to unravel the situation. And even after it happened, I could see myself feel bitter and jaded that I even had to go through all of that trouble in the first place.
But more to the point am I a coward? Yes. I don't like confrontation and I avoid it. There, I said it.
Anyone that reads my blog would know the story of the centipede ~ taking on a situation like this with admin, feels like trying to face down a centipede with one thousand giraffe-sized legs. I simply don't want to.
And you know what? I won't.
What will I do? Let it go.
Why? Because I was happy and I want to be again.
You don't really believe you can just magic it away? Yes and No. But still.
But still what? I choose to be happy right now over being richer or righter later.